When bloggers have talked about ‘falling off the grid’, I never really understood what that meant. I always thought ‘how could you not want to blog?’, and ‘it’s not that hard to Tweet once in a while, right? Your phone is right there!’. But having been near-silent on nearly all of my passion projects recently, I now understand it all too well. Blogging is a lot of work. Hard work, and it’s more than just writing the posts. It’s taking, and editing photos, maintaining social channels, updating themes, planning Instagram posts, scheduling content, interacting with other bloggers, going to events, buying new props…it’s a full time job in itself, and one I’m really struggling to keep up with right now.
Over the past few months, with a full time freelance contract keeping me busy, my blog has taken a major step back and I’ve barely found the energy to even check on it recently. Balancing a full time job and a blog is more difficult that I can even explain, and I’ve felt that balance shifting more and more towards my job and further away from my blog than I’ve ever been before. Several times, I’ve even considered giving it all up, and just accepting that I’ll never find the time to write it again.
Other elements of my life have also contributed to this sudden wave of unethusiasm, the biggest one being my anxiety. I had, what I feel, was close to a breakdown, and I was really really struggling to keep it in check. I felt like I was in a bubble, and all my brain wanted to do was feel normal, and unstressed. So I clung to my cosy evenings in front of the telly, spending time with my boyfriend and my family, and trying to keep my mind as inactive as possible to keep me sane, rather than doing anything productive. This worked for a while, but it all came to a head one day, and I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication. This was a huge decision for me to make, and something I’ve avoided for many years due to the stigma around medication, but I guess I always thought that my anxiety would just improve by itself as I got older too, and I was wrong on both counts. So I started a course of Citalopram, and although quite rough at first, has settled me now into a much more mellow and relaxed mind frame. Unfortunately, this means that my external productivity levels are still unhelpfully low. I didn’t realise how much of my dedication to work and blogging was down to the anxiety of never being successful with it, but once the medication made that prospect seem ok, I guess I lost that drive.
Slowly, I’m hoping to get it back, and to work on my blog and my other projects just as much as my actual job – no matter how tough it might be. I want to a be a person entirely dedicated to success, and achieving her goals, but unfortunately life always seems to get in the way. Today’s been good, and I’ve written more today than I have in months. So get me a month of Sunday’s, and we might just be back on track.
I can’t promise my content will suddenly straighten out, and that I’ll be fine forever now. But I’m trying my best to keep it regular, and to open up more – because if all I can think about right now is anxiey and stress, I might as well share it on my favorite platform, right?
Thanks for sticking with me,